since i've been following fyeahthespianpeacock and fyeahperformingartspeacock on tumblr i've seen many bloggers ask them questions regarding theatre-- about getting into college, having a fallback, how to audition, how to memorize lines, how to become a better singer, etc.
and how different the answers are from what i would say sometimes.
i dont know about the backgrounds of both of these people except that thespian peacock is like 15... and so as i read her answers to everything i feel like an old lady who sees all of these dreams and doesnt have the heart to just say STOP YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT because i want them to have their dreams. but i know what its like on the other side after you get to college. at least, in my experience.
im weird.
this is kind of all stemming from a personal dilemma i've been struggling with. i'm almost reluctant to post it on here because it feels like i'm admitting i'm failing. which i'm not... i'm... reevaluating. but right now it feels like failing.
From the time i was 11 until i graduated high school, i had only not gotten into a show i tried out for once. i did every play in middle school, over the summer with the alliance theatre and then in high school. i literally had no idea what rejection was. and not only was i in these shows, i almost always had legit roles in them, especially senior year when i played jo in little women. in addition, i took every opportunity to be a part of tech theatre and did each role at least once except lighting and sound (which i did in my after school job as a technician for the county).
then i started auditioning for college. i did not get into a single college i auditioned for musical theatre. it was devastating. but i learned that out of all the schools that accepted me academically (and even some with scholarships) that i could attend jmu or vt and still participate in theatre. so off to jmu i went.
i met a bunch of other people in the same position... and we were all told that we could basically pursue the same degree as musical theatre concentrators and even audition again in the spring. i believe it can be done. but not by me. because no matter what i try to do, i can not get into these classes. and even if i do get into them... ive been advised it wont happen until senior year, when its too late to take anything else.
i tried to work as a tech on a bunch of shows my freshman year-- i was even the stage manager of my first show in college due to the first SM stepping down. but that took me out of auditioning for a semester. i did more tech and SMed another show in the fall, which took me out of that semester, too. i thought this would only affect my casting opportunities, but apparently it also disqualified me to take a course for which i had all the prerequisites. i loved tech in high school. but i think i loved it because at 2:05 i could put down my hammer and pick up my script. im not happy doing it without being in a show. i hate myself for it, but i actually feel jealous of the actors in my show. i literally cannot do it anymore. only for connor davis. (that was a joke. but actually.)
this year jmu did my favorite play, our town. the fact that it was my first callback was huge. the rejection was even worse than usual. my second callback was to a musical: bright lights, big city. the fact that i was called back was enough.
i used to think that since college is still school that the rejection would really come afterwards. i was wrong.
i cant get into anything. i feel like a failure.
i never thought that i would be happy if i wasnt doing theatre as my career. i wanted to prove to everyone that i could make it. i still feel like if i drop my theatre major to a minor, that everyone else will think im a failure and that im admitting defeat. images of my theatre professors laughing at me while eating bananas and wearing scarves and turtlenecks are running through my head.
but ive found this great passion in broadcasting by a total fluke this fall... and i think i need to just go with it. i just hope im making the right decision.
over this break my theatre teacher from high school told me that what makes work in theatre professional isnt the fact that you're making money, but how professional the work you bring to your role is. and so, if im the lady who does community theatre after running around doing journalism-y things all day... i think i can be happy with that. so long as im doing it.
i only wish that i will still get the opportunity to work in the jmu theatre as an actor before i graduate. because we really do have such a great program and such amazing people who i would love to work with besides in the classroom.
i think im making the right decision by becoming a minor. because then i can focus on taking the theatre classes i want instead of busting my ass at 20 credits per semester to fulfill the requirements for 2 majors. i just wish i didnt care about what i think people who i am not even friends with will think of me (because i know my friends wont care) (and those people who arent my friends probably wont care at all anyway).
ugh why do i care so much?!
/rant/lifestory/sorry this post wasn't of my usual "trying to be funny" genre
p.s. i got into smad!!! hence the debating over the to major or not to major thing
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