question(s).

Why does this always happen after a bad breakup?

I mean not that I'm really speaking from lots of experience... but I see it happen all the time to the girls around me and on tv and in movies.

Why do we WANT to be total sluts the minute our relationships don't work out?

Why do we NEED to be wanted?

Last night there was an "anything for money" party. You know, you get $5 and at the end of the night the person with the most wins and you get paid to do things and pay other people to do things.

All I can say is that at least I didn't try to pay anyone to kiss me, like some people. I have not yet sunk to desperation.

I hate that the douchebag was the last person to really kiss me, to hold me, to be intimate with me... so much that sometimes I think "I don't even care who might come into the picture."

I guess that's why it's called a rebound.

But I do. I do care. Why do I waste my time on this shit? Why do I try to imagine what guys I just met would be like on a date? Why do I have the brief second of thinking "what if something would work out with one of my friends?"

Actually I know why on that one-- they're safe. I know they wouldn't hurt me the way that douchebag did. Then when I'm not drunk, I'm like... I don't want to date any of them. Obviously.

I think I'm worried that he only tried to be in a relationship with me because he knew he wouldn't have real feelings for me. It's funny that my name means "worthy of love" in Latin. All the time I think, "What if I'm not?"

All my life, I've heard people tell me or other people that they love my personality, that I'm a "cool girl" and even that, "If only she weren't..." They can't even finish the sentence. But I know exactly what they mean.

I try SO HARD to change. I can't control it. And I'm tired of feeling like I have to change. I hate that I'm not good enough for anyone. Especially for myself.

Everyone says that when you stop thinking about it, someone will pop into your life.

Well, that already happened and I'm not ready to trust anyone that just pops in ever again. Even if they are a friend of a friend.

He makes me so sick.

I feel like I've been ruined.

I don't want this to define me.

Because it wasn't even that bad in the grand scheme of things.

Believe it or not, this is not the tragedy of my life.

But I don't know how to make it not.

P.S. my other ex is coming to JMU for theatre next year. ironic? yes. awkward? probably.